Almost a Birthday

Hello there to all my faithful readers. I had planned on giving a historical telling of a birthday, however as I have began to search for this time old tradition I find that I am just don't feel like studying so....I'll just say its the day celebrated of a person's birth. For example next week will be Mini's 7th birthday. Thus the Almost a Birthday title for today's entry. Normally I would be making plans and begin to panic over whether Mini will have a good birthday party or if I got everything for her upcoming day. With everything that has happened this year, so far, we were able to talk Mini into something else. Something small and just for us. Right now it's important for me to make sure she knows she is still important and that she is just as loved. Something many forget when you have a loss of a loved on is that those who are left need to know they are just as important as those who are gone. This is something Roo and I have been very aware of. Though we miss Sophia we still have to parent and love our daughter who is here and who is still needing us. So again we are trying to make this a birthday just focused on her. Something she loves is horses and she has said several times that she wanted to go to Medival Times. After much talking with Mini and between us we decided that this would be a good birthday thing for her. We are excited over her excitement and I hope she has a good time. The other thing that is working in her favor is that since her birthday is Easter this year her school will be out for both Friday and Monday. I always tell them my birthday is a holiday and I believe everyone should have off well Mini's is a holiday this year and everyone has off. We just laughed and said that everyone is celebrating her special day.
It's hard to believe thats she's going to be 7, it seems like yesterday that I was teaching her to walk and dancing her around the house and now she is going to be 7 and will be going into 2nd grade next year. I hope to continue to share Mini stories as she continues to grow and discover her ever changing world. Well that is all for tonight.

Date Night

It's strange I think I've written more in the past few weeks then I have before. I think it's healthy for me but then again I often wonder where mind is wondering off to. So let's get started. Last night Roo took me on a much needed night out. It's been a while since we've actually done this. (you know all things considered) So where did he take me? What did we do? Well.....
Now stop that, ugh (rolling my eyes) bad minds all around. haha. We went to the movies and saw the Hunger Games. It's been a long time since Roo and I have been to an opening night of any movies together. I mean I've been with the girls (Twilight and such) but it's been a while since I've got to go with Roo. First off I have to admit that this was one book turned to movie that I actually had not ever read before hand or before. So basically I was going into it blind. I kind of figured it would be like Lord of the Flies. You know the story kids get stranded and end up killing and eating eachother. A social experiment gone horribly wrong. Yes I know thats not what it was about. But I have to say I was impressed cause Roo searched it so that he would know the basics on it, he thought I did know and he wanted to be prepared. Imagine his surprise when I still had no clue and my surprise when he did. But we both enjoyed it. The last few times we had went to a movie one or both of us would be agravated because of cell phone lights and kids talking and people being rude but last night there was none of that which made it really good.
So how was the movie? It was good. I was surprised that it was even though I wasn't really sure about it but it was packed with things going on. Though it had some really big named actors that didn't distract from the story its self and Lenny Kravitz was really good, I mean wow he could act even if it wasn't but a handful of spoken lines. I did some young kids there and was a little worried on the content but thats my hang up. I've never really liked the idea of kids being killed so... But onto the rest of the night.We went out to dinner and walked around the shopping center for a bit since it was such a nice night to do this. We also discovered that he wouldn't pay to go back to the years he was a teenage where I would give a few bucks to have the size I used to be again. But we also learned that young girls now a days don't have a problem with leaving off some much needed material. Seriously? You want people to know you aren't wearing those? I actually heard a guy say to his buddy "Come on man, give her the air guitar"
The air guitar? Are you kidding, thanks to technology these kids have no real imagination. I remember the days you would gigle with yoru friends then one would work up the nerve to go up to the other person and say "Hey, my friend thinks your hot, you got a number?" or something along that line. Roo heard some kid ask if a girl had a facebook so he could hit her up. I miss the old days where you just stalk the person and be done with it. Cyberstalking isn't cool it's just being lazy. Well that was our night. Again we had a good time, even Mini had a good time with her Gigi. They did crafts and this morning she even got to go to the movies. She was excited to tell me about The Lorax, I'm sorry I missed it but I know she had a good time and she needs to be away from us some times. Roo even found her Birthday/Easter dress this year. She's growing up so fast but she is good kid. Well later days peeps

1 Month

Happy Thursday to all my faithful readers. This has been an ok week for me. Mini went back to school on Monday, Roo went back to work on Tuesday and I went back to subing yesterday. It was nice getting back in the class room and it was a good day for me to be out of the house. Yesterday my sweet little angel would have been 1 month old and though I know she is in a better place I still miss her. So as another part of my healing process I am sharing her once again with you. This little dark hair cutie is our little Sophie.

I haven't been able to share her in color yet but I think that showing her the way I saw her will help me continue to heal. I can also say that during this time though I am able to laugh and smile I still feel the tugs of sadness, I still feel a loss and believe that we were very blessed with our few days. So yesterday was a little difficult for me. As I worked I enjoyed the students and it showed me that I still want to be a teacher. I'm glad to know that hasn't changed after every thing. So this morning, even though I wasn't moving very well. (I overdid it yesterday) I sent my transcipts to a school so that I can begin on the path of education and become a teacher. Tomorrow is a month since she left us and though I am getting through day by day and am doing pretty well I still have moments of sadness. We went to see her today and her faceplate was complete. Mini layed out some roses for her three white and three pink. I am still so proud of my little Mini. She is doing awesome and I just cant say enough about her. So our next step from here is to continue to move ahead, it's slow but it is going and we are getting stronger. So that is enough information for today. Soon I will tell ya'll about some ideas

St. Patty's Day

Hello all my little leperchauns...lol. Happy St. Patricks Day to you all. Since today is most often thought of as the day of the drink I thought I would take a minute and give a short History lesson on this special day. Saint Patrick, who is the name sake of this holiday, is seen as patron saints of Ireland, he is also recognized as when Christianity arived in Ireland. This day was made an official holiday or "feast day" in the ealy 17th centerury and has become known as a celebration of the Irish culture. (Hell even those who are not Irish feel and are accepted as Irish on this day) Though we celebrate St. Patick and it is seen an Irish holiday St. Patrick was actually Romano-British he was kidnapped by the Irish and held as a slave. After escape and the leading of God he became a priest and returned to Ireland to introduce a more Christian belief. We celebrate the 17th of March because that was when he passed away. Through his teachings many of the traditions and Irish symbols that we recognize are because of this man.
And they said I never paid attention in school. Hah.
Ok now onto the rest of my weekend. Yesterday Roo and I went to Resthaven to visit our little Sophia. Though her faceplate was not up yet we still knew where she was. There is a nice breeze and her resting place over looks a field which is peaceful. Though we will always miss you could of been and what might have been we are both at peace knowing that she is where she is. The next time we plan to go we will hopefully be able to see her faceplate because Mini wants to go. Roo and I went yesterday because we both felt like it was time and because we wanted to go first so that we could be prepared. I know that sounds strange but if you heard Mini ask if and why are we crying again then you too would want to be prepared. We did ok I think. Though we still have sadness and I know that this next week she would have been a month old, I have to stay postive that what is meant to be will be and that there is something more for us, so we will continue as we always have.
Tomorrow we go pick up the Mini and we start getting back into the old routine. Can't wait to see what she excuse she gives me on Monday as to why she needs to stay home. Though I'm not driving alot its time I get back to doing the normal things. Ok well thats it.
So today's lesson we learned about some of the History of St. Patricks Day, I discussed our first visit to the cemetrary and we talked about Mini and I getting back into the swing of things. Yep though it maybe boring to you it's part of my world. I never said everyday would be exciting. I just said you could share in it...
Later Days

Spring Break

Hello there my faithful readers. It is me again, yes I know I've been writing quite a bit here lately again I call it therepy. So what is on the writing agenda today? Well it's Spring Break here in my happy little world and this week has been filled with some relaxing and decision making. Once again I must point out that it truly sucks to be an adult. True story.
So we will get started with some random information and then just go from there. Roo, Mini and I have started going to church. Though Roo and I have attended church in the past a this is the first time we have found one that we both enjoy and can agree on. We both believe that Sophie had something to do with this. After her passing we not only have become closer but we realized that we needed to become more in touch with our spiritual side and this I think has been a good thing. We truly like the church we have found and hope to continue to attend. Mini of course has done her bit in acting out as you may have been aware and again we are trying to take it in stride as we all continue to deal with our feelings on our loss. She is currently spending her spring break with her Grandma which I think is good for both of them. This is the first time since everything that Mini has been away from us and though I worry about how she will do I think that it is much needed for both her and her Grandma.
With that being said this other part of my week has been full of thinking. As many know I worked part time with a work at home company and though I enjoyed it and was offered a new project this week I had to decide if staying home to work is the best thing for us, well me actually. This was a difficult decision to make because I do enjoy working from the house but after talking and thinking it through both Roo and I believe that it may not be good for me mentally and that right now I need to start getting out with people again. So not only will I go back to Subing (I have missed that) but I am going to take the steps to begin to utalize the degree that I have and get a real job. I still want to be a teacher and I am going to work toward that as well as to own our buisness. Roo and I are looking into some options there. We are ready to fully grow up and its time to make those changes that will both make us happy and get us to the next step of our lives.
We are taking our time as we start getting back into the swing of things. We are really talking to see what we want for our little family and we are listening to each other a little better and I hope that continues. This next week everything will shift again because Roo will be going back to work so it's going to be another day by day thing as we adjust to the normal schedules again. But for now we have been enjoying our Spring Break time together. So like I always say just hang back and chillax and we will go through this together. I'll let you know how it goes.

Seriously? You need what?

Well hello there and welcome to another small edition to my Parenting for Dumbies. I like to use this time to discuss the fun things children can say and what we as parents should do. For example Mini, who is 6 1/2, enjoys a pretty easy life. Her main responsibilities include going to school, coming home and helping to take care of Abby (our dog) and cleaning or picking up her room. I don't think Roo and I ask to much. We try to keep it simple and even then there is of course room for laziness that we let slide. But tonight Mini out did herself in random fit throwing. It all started over her tv. She it quit working and all she saw was a black screen. Roo went in to see if he could figure out what happened. Then they called me in because he couldn't figure it out and I began trying to see what happened.
Me: Baby girl what did you touch (calmly)
Mini: I didn't do anything (insert big tears and girlish pitch)
Me: you had to have touched or done something.
Roo: Your not in trouble but we need to know
Mini: I didn't touch anything it just happened.
This is the point that both Roo and I begin to lose our cool. She is so worried about getting in trouble that she is now getting in trouble for not telling us a simple thing so we can get if fixed. So while I try to fix her tv Roo tells her to pick up her room. We have been asking her to do this for awhile now so it should have been no surprise that once again we were going to ask her to do it again. But apperantly that is where all the rest of the drama kicked off. By the way this started at 5pm.
Ok so she started to tear up. He started to use that dad tone, (for those of you that don't have children this means he was being firm with a level voice.) I was now, at this point on the phone with Dish trying to get her tv fixed and trying to tune out the increasing temper tantrum I just knew someone was about to throw. i.e. me. After I got off the phone and one crisis was fixed I then informed Mini that I would be keeping her remote until her room was clean. Round 2 with the tears. I go to sit down while Roo is helping and dealing with the room thing. (I really don't have the patients for this today) She cries, he talks and I am trying to tune out because I am tired of fighting about her room. I mean my gosh its not like we asked her to build a rocket. Its about 6:30 now and I actually hear her ask Roo, "Well why do I have to do all the work while you just goof off?" People I could literaly feel something in me snap. "Excuse me?" I asked before Roo could respond. This is when I decide its time to have that conversation that all parents have with their children. You know the one where we point out their age and the fact that since they don't pay for anything in the house they therefore do not have the privalage of questioning us parents. Also I may have pointed out that she doens't get to talk to either of us how she was. It was here at this point that I think my head spun around. Why? you ask because my sweet, cute little 6 year old tearfully and dramatically stated
"All I want is a day of Peace."
Me: I'm sorry what did you just say?
To which the child actually repeats this amazing statement. She then informs us that she is just tired of being asked questions all day. Roo couldn't say anything and I couldn't seem to move fast enough but I then informed her that I was more then happy to give her "Day of Peace" as I started to give her a run down of just her day would be like. She then began to cry (again) as she then thought it wise to inform me that it would be her day to do what she wanted. Apperantly we have a difference of opinion but I think my opinion won out because she quickly decided that she may not want that "Day of Peace"
That was also the point that I had to walk away. Because I just don't know if I could have taken anymore Peace talk. Roo then picked up where I left off and I think she began to get the bigger picture. There were things I said I'd never tell my child but I think Roo and I both did plenty of that as we stood there with our mad child. Thankfully the one thing she didn't bring up on this rather agravitng tirade was the fact that she missed her sister.
We have noticed her lately that is what she goes to anytime we raise our voice just a touch. She sniffles, lowers her head and in that small dejected voice (that only a child knows how to do) says "its just that I really miss Sophie and I just don't know why she can't be here" Now I'm not an unfeeling person and this worked the first few times. I would of course start to tear up and hug her and once again explain that she is here with us in our hearts and that she will always watch over us. Now I'm at the point where I calmly tell her that we all miss her but that is still no reason for her not to listen or do as she's told. Well thank you for listening. Wow three posts in one week. I think I'm done. Good night

Some Medical knowledge/ Some big Thank yous

Hello to all my readers. I know that I've been driving people crazy these past few weeks with my babbling again this is a type of therepy for me also again when I started this blog I knew that for good or bad I was inviting everyone who reads into my world. My happy little world does get rocked from time to time and if I held things back then I feel that I am not holding true to what I originally set out to do. So just like a marriage through good times and bad I am allowing you all a glimpse into my life. As many of you know from me or even reading the past few posts we lost our sweet little baby after only 2 days of having her. To the right you will see her picture posted as I feel that I want to share her with you all. We have learned in the past few days that she was born with Vater syndrome.
Side story, when this was told to me over the phone I thought they were telling me she had Vader syndrome, When I told Roo he said "Like Star Wars?" to which I answered "Yea maybe she was Lukes father." I know bad joke but it was followed up with "So the force failed?" We have to have our sense of humor or we will crumble.
Now quick medical lesson: (Not something I do normally but I think I need to explain) Vater syndrome is a non-random association of birth defects (which means that there are many issues that are tied together) The downside with finding the actual cause of this is that since the defects are linked it is never known which gene or sets of genes cause this is.
Ok now with that being explained a little bit I don't feel the need to go into every minute detail of what was going on but I did want to make it clear that we are aware of what happened. I can also tell you, in case you my readers ever feel this way, that not everything is the fault of the diabetic. Over the past few explanation of what was going on I was told that it call could be traced back to my diabetic state. (Its hard to not think it was my fault when this is whats being told to me by doctors) After doing some research and finding out that it is seen more in diabetic mothers it is still unknown of the cause. And I was finally told by two physicians that there are cases that the mother was not diabetic and that this happened and both cases also had the same outcome. This made feel better, Roo of course tells me that if he ever hears me blame myself he may actually beat me. lol, I laugh becasue he fears my parents enough that he would never even consider laying a hand on me so to make that threat shows me his thinking process. After my appointment yesterday I still feel sad sometimes but I know there is a light at the end of the dark tunnel and I know I'm getting closer to it. He said I was healing well and of course that if I need anything to let them know. He did seem a little disappointed that I had decided to tie my tubes but said then told us both that we still had many options and that when we were ready they would be there to help us explore them. He mention surrogacy which I told him that I don't think that is an option for us either and thanked him. Roo and I have had that discussion and though I know this was not my fault I just don't want to take that chance or go through that again or even ask someone to go through that. The doctor understood said we still have other options then we moved on to new topics. This is something I will probably revisit in a later blog. We are not rushing into anything. We are going to take our time and heal, I think we are better for several reasons and those I will visit in future blogs. Now to get onto the other half of tonights Blog.
Thanks You!!
First off I have to tell you that family means everything to me. I know Roo feels the same, in fact that is one thing that drew us both together. I cherrish every day that I have with my family and I think we are fortunate enough to have the family that we have. Both sides of our family have been awesome during this time. Even if we don't all get along we were all able to come together and that is how it has always been. I have been told a few times that sometimes family and friends can just hover and may make the situation or the feeling more then what I may be ready to deal with. I can tell you that in our case this is could not be more wrong. In my family we face every bit of happiness and sadness together. We face it, we deal with it and we rise above and heal. So I want to give my awesome family a big thank you for their unwavering support. Whether or not some may have agreed with our choices over the years or even the last few weeks, they have continued to support and love us and for that we are blessed. We are thankful for the constant support because with out it these last few weeks we would not be as strong as we have been. 
The other part of this is to our friends. Both Roo and I have realized that at times we are both big homebodies. Which we know we need to start changing espeacially for Mini because we want to be able to interact with other parents. But even though we are both socially awkward we have some of the best friends ever. One of those friends I met through the mothers day out program with our kids. And we have been friends ever since and I can honestly say that her family is just like my family.They have been great through this whole thing and the out pouring of love and support of others have shown us just how many friends we really have and we appericiate it. You never realize just how blessed you are until something happens and you are surrounded with love. So again to them I have to say thank you. We love you all and we are greatful for every single one of you. Ok its time to rest and put Mini in the bath. Goodnight to all my followers. You are awesome!!!

To get answers or not...hmmm/Mini's dealing

(Insert Dracula voice) Good evening......
Hello to all my faithful readers and those that just read due to boredom. It's me again and I am here tonight to just get somethings off my head. Sometimes thats all I need to do. Do you know that when you go through a medical loss you have more Doctors and medical personel wanting to get ahold of you for some unknown reasons? Well not really unknown for example we were called yesterday by a geneticist, a person who studies genetics, who wants to meet with Roo and I so that she can tell us more about Sophia. At first, I was confused then once I called back to ask some more we have questions it was explained why they wished to meet with us. She felt that Roo and I would want some more answers about what happened. The thing was that once I got a basic idea of what they wanted to tell us, Roo and I talked and decided that unless it would effect Mini in the future then we have all the answers to what happened. The assistant spoke with the doctor then told us that based on my answers and what little they knew of the situation then Mini should have no worry. So needless to say I thanked her for the time but declined the meet and greet.
See I know that most people may want or even need those answers to what exactly happened but from what we knew at the time and have discovered since we are both ok with not completely understanding every little aspect of the why. Because no matter what they tell us it won't bring her back and since I will not be able to have anymore children it won't affect our future. Also I am really tired of hearing how it can be caused by mothers with diabetes. Because lets face it that doesn't do a lot of good to my piece of mind. This was not my fault its like 16 and 100,000 lottery draw and it just happened to be us that were picked for this so tragic situation and to continue to explain it to us doesn't help anyone deal or heal and continues to put doubts in my mind even though I know it wasn't because of me personally.
Let's talk about Mini. I honestly don't know how Roo and I were blessed with this little girl. She has an amazing ability and we have been told time and again in the past week how well she has been doing. She of course has her moments but she has amazed us both with her understanding and just how ok she is with it. She wanted a picture of her little sister that my future sis in law did for us, (I'll post a copy soon to share) in her room as well as a picture of her holding her becasue thats her little sister and she is proud. She shows so much compassion and when she asked if we would try again it broke my heart for a moment. I told her calmly that Mommy could no longer have babies and she asked why when I told her because they tied my tubes she then explained the process to me and pointed out that it was because my diabetes. Her next question was could we adopt? This question took me back a little and Roo and I kind of played it off. But she has asked again and though it's not a decision that we could make right now as we try to move forward it is an option that we would like to maybe consider down the road. So we discussed it with her and asked her questions and got her opinions. For 6 1/2 this little girl is very smart and very open minded. Again I'm not sure what the future holds for our little family or what path we are going to be lead down but I am more then proud to have Mini as my daughter, just like I am more then blessed to have Sophia come into our lives even for the short period of time. Roo and I have been very blessed for these two little girls. They have both opened our eyes and have made us grow in ways we didn't know we could. Mini shows and teaches us everyday something new and Sophia taught us not only that things happen for a reason but we need to take a little more time as a family and to be thankful for everyday. It's those little things that make life worth living and thats what we want for our family no matter what the future holds. So my foccus is now on the postive what our little Sophie brought to us and what Mini means to us and that is where our drive is going to be as well.
Well I think I've rambled enough for one night. It's time to close by saying goodnight to all and I will see you on the flip.