Happy Birthday

It's bitter sweet because I know I'm one of the lucky ones. I got to meet an angel in person one year ago and though she was not meant to live with us here on earth I was fortunate enough to carry her and be her mom. To day is Sophia Michelle's 1st birthday and though I had so many more things planned  (In fact I should be running around in a near panic over last minute details) I still know she is where she is meant to be. It's not often we get to see real angels or touch them. So a year later and I feel the need to address those questions once again that I am often asked.
1) Are you angry?
 No, I am still not angry, I feel some hurt only because of what I'm missing out on but I have never been angry. Maybe I should be, maybe I should blame God and question his motives or his thinking or maybe I should berate myself because I wasn't good enough. But the fact is, it wasn't about me. I didn't do anything, I didn't love or believe in him less. We were chosen for that precious little girl and we though we will always miss her we know that she is stronger today then she was a year ago.
2)Do you get jealous?
This question is hard. So many of my friends are having little ones or they are celebrating their 1st birthdays. I am sometimes envious but never jealous. I am proud and happy for those that are new parents. I do wish things where different but I am not going to begrudge them their happiness. Truth be told though I may not seem it and I am sorry for that I am so happy that they were able to bring life into this world.
3)How are you doing?
I almost hate to answer this question but I need to. I'm tired and I am sad. But I am also hopeful. I know that there is something in store for us. I know that everything happens for a reason and though I don't know what that reason is I'm still hopeful. I'm tired of always wearing the smile and I feel that if I could completely break down I would, but I also know that breaking down is not in my genetic make up so I take a deep breath put a smile on my face and I continue to live. Tears do not mean weakness and my silence does not mean I don't care. I just don't choose to always flaunt my feelings because sometimes I just need to keep them in.

Well that is all for tonight. I wanted to tell you all thank you for your continued prayers and thoughts. Thank you for your support we do love you. And I will get back to my snarky self it just takes a little time.

A little bit stronger

Well hello to all my faithful readers. It's that time again. Time for me to write about whats been going on. As you all know we have been struggling through many things. And as I write this I find myself listening to Sara Evens Stronger and though she is talking about a man walking out on her I still find that it speaks to me about how I feel. I've also come to many conclusions. First I'm never gonna fully heal, but I am going to get stronger. Everyday I feel myself breathing easier.
We will be celebrating her birthday in a few weeks and as much as it still hurts I still am very blessed that I got to have her for even a moment. I am stronger for what I have faced, I am stronger for the family and friends that I have had stand behind me. I have been disconnected because of stress. I have allowed so much to weigh on my mind and this year I've vowed to do something about it. I have to think of me as Roo keeps telling me. I have to think that sometimes I just can't make everyone happy and that I must concentrate on me. Late last year I was told that I wasn't allowing myself to heal so I've been working on that. And though I still want to make everyone happy I have to work on me. So that is what I am working on. I am going to make myself happy "If you are unhappy about how things are going then maybe you need to change" I will keep you posted as I work everything.This year is a year of change well  hopeful change.
Later Days