Alice in Wonderland, for some reason I have been relating to that quite a lot. Its hard to even write this now mainly because there always someone I will piss off if and when I truly begin to write down some of my thoughts and feelings and for some reason I just need to vent...
Roo and I have been together for 12 years some days it feels shorter and some days it feels longer. I know that he has been worried about me lately cause even he can tell that my head is full....I'm jittery and I'm bouncing from one thought to the next. I don't feel grounded. I think thats because I haven't written in a while and everything in my head is just screaming to come out. We went and got our wedding band tattoos, (as seen below)
Some people may not understand it but I think that we've been through enough that we are good. Of course that brings me to my next issue....I've been think about a lot of things and starting over is something I think we can do. Everyone gets to take a deep breath. I've heard someone say that I'm being selfish and that should just be blessed with what we do have. Well besides my obvious feelings on others opinions in to my thought process I will actually answer that....
I am extremely blessed with my family and I know that we could be in a far worse situation, in fact over the years we have had some of those worse situations. (another time) But there are still dreams that we are trying to reach. There are still goals that we would like to accomplish. Some may not understand and other may believe that we are just not satisfied with the life we have and for those that have that thought....You're right, we are not satisfied, we do want more and crazy as it may seem I truly believed that there is more to be had.
I mean are we all not destined for some kind of greatness? Who actually said that once something good/bad has happened that you are just suppose to lay down and accept it? Who says that I have to show the world every single thought and emotion that goes through my head? Hell who says that I have to grieve by locking myself away or that I am not allowed to be quiet as I have random thoughts. (Look I'm not going a on killing spree so put the phone down)
People sometimes expect to much and when it doesn't meet what they believe it should then they begin to tell you how your behavior is not normal. Well its time for me to let you all in on a little secret.......
I'M NOT NORMAL.... (Surprise) I'm a little dark, sarcastic, and bitchy. I learned a long time ago that I didn't have to be all bright and shiny to beloved (thank you to my wonderful parents) I could be me and still be accepted no matter who me was, (thank you to my awesome husband). Would I love to be rich.....No not really, I'm pretty happy being me but that doesn't mean that I don't want things. My dreams are that we are able to one day (through adoption of course) to add to our family. And not it's not because I believe that Mini isn't enough. I am more then happy with my sweet little girl. Its because I know that we have more then enough love to give. I know that Mini would make a wonderful big sister. It's because I see all these parents (single and otherwise) not wanting their children or not caring for them they way they should and I actually question why we were not allowed to keep our sweet angel. (No I am still not mad, but yes even I question things sometimes) I know there is always a reason and I don't vocally express my thoughts on the matter (trust me there is a reason for that) And yes I get tired of grown people tattling on me because of something that they have seen or read. Really? I'm 31 yrs old people grow the hell up and get off my ass. If you have an issue quit tattling and address it with me. My goodness you would think that grown people would make the choice to act grown and tell someone how they feel. Will my feelings get hurt, probably, will I be pissed, um maybe. But I would rather you discuss my business with me instead of going through the grapevine.
I bottle things up and that is probably what this blog is more about but I need a fresh start. I need to get things out there and to hell with peoples feelings. If you get upset with this new entry then please once again read the disclaimer to the ------------------------------------------------>
I'm not perfect, and I do try to make everyone happy but sometimes I have to take care of my happiness first. Right now Roo and I are trying to save for things we want to make a fresh start for our family. We know things need to change in order for us to continue to grow. We are trying to do that. Now with all that said (hmm)
Things that will still remain the same:
My family will always be my family. Yes I will always put them first no matter what. If they are in the wrong then I will be wrong with them...
My belief system...I know people question my thoughts and feeling regarding this issue so I will go ahead and make a point of addressing it. I believe....I believe that everyone deserve the right to be accepted and loved for who they are. I believe that everyone deserves a chance to experience happiness and I believe that nobody has the right to pass judgement on choices that they make. Just because I don't agree with something does not make it wrong or make me the better or smarter person. It just means that its not something I personally would do. But it also doesn't mean that I won't stand behind you as you do something and it doesn't mean that if you needed me to I wouldn't stand in front of you to protect you.
My feelings....My feelings will never change. I am a girl and yes I do show emotion (even when I don't want to) and if you are ever fortunate enough to become someone I care for I will always care for you and support your happiness.
Lastly the biggest change that will not now or ever occur...
Me. I'm not going to change. I'm still going to love tattoos and dirty books. I'm still going to love to write and to tell stories about Mini, because she is my child, (get a sense of humor) I am me, I am at times selfish and spoiled, my filter on my brain does not always reach my mouth and I sometimes say inappropriate things at the wrong times. But this it people. If you can't handle it then you were never meant to be in my life and I will miss you. If your good with it then stay tuned. I would rather make you laugh then make you mad or cry but if I have to I'll be happy with making you mad every time. So here's to a fresh start, a clean break. It's time to rip the bandaid off and start living for me....
Since we are starting over we would like some help in doing so the address below is away for this to happen. We know one major step in starting over is to pay off debt. I am working to fully clear student loans and some other medical debt (from when Sophia was in the hospital) some was wiped clean while others where not. if you would like to help we would appreciate it. http://www.gofundme.com/StartingOverWithTheVents
Later Days Peeps
