Doctor Visits and Small Panic Attacks and Catching Up

Hey there to all my faithful readers it's me again. The last few weeks have been filled with fun and painful times. I'll try to hit it all in a few short paragraphs before going on to some random topic. First at work I was shocked to learn that I was top performer. I guess that means my numbers were good. Then I was awarded with recognition for my customer service skills, yes I do agree that I am just awesome.
This past week saw another round of aggravation. For the past week I realized I was feeling more emotional at work and couldn't quite put my finger on what was going. Let me set the scene if I hadn't said this before I work in a land of cubes, so to say that we are all really close is putting it quite modestly. We work together we hear everything and quite often what one person is wearing as perfume floats by everyone.
With this being said I kept smelling this one scent and it didn't realize that it was making me melancholy until Monday when I felt the tears. Let me explain.
I tend to bury feelings. I know this, and luckly so do most people who deal with me, they deal with it as do I. I'm suggesting I'm made of steel or don't feel things at all, I just happen to deal with things in my own way which tends to confuse and upset people from time to time. With this in mind I have to say this, as a girl I love flowers. I know, I don't always seem the type but trust I am. Roo knows this too and from time to time he will surprise me with them. The first time he sent me Roses they were beautiful, even though they were pink (Roo is bound and determined to remind that I am girly) I got these before I went on a small vacation to the fair. Then I got another grouping of flowers, colored me surprised I got them with in two weeks of each other. Well a day or so later I noticed that one of the new girls got flowers too. She sits not to for me, they were pretty (though I didn't pay much attention since they hadn't bloomed) I then started to feel a little off. Just figured it was headache from some of the stress. Then Monday I could smell them, really well. They were Lilies, This shouldn't matter I mean Lilies smell really good, problem was that once I was able to really focus on them I began to feel the panic begin to set in. Lilies were the flowers that we received for Sophia. Even though Roo knows I like them he won't even buy them for me unless we are going to see her because he knows they tend to make me sad. (Crazy I know, and please no "You poor thing," I'm dealing)
Anyway Monday was especially hard so has I was trying to remember to breath through the sudden tightening of my chest and the pain going through me, I was able to by-pass the full blown on-set of panic and get through the rest of my work night. Roo and Mini surprised with taken me out to dinner that night

As we sat there at the restaurant my side began to hurt, feeling sick I had to have Roo take me home. People I hurt so bad I couldn't even cry, I didn't want to go to E.R. unless absolutely necessary so I got Roo to take me to the Doctor first thing the next morning. A few hours later along with a few tests we learned that I wasn't dying...Woohooo...(I mean that's always good) We also learned that I didn't have an ulcer like the doctor feared. (Bless him, cause if I did there was going to be some issues with a few people) What I did have was something painful but simple. Kidney infection and a small partially ruptured cyst on my ovary (I know I share to much) Doc was still worried so he wanted me to make another appointment. Thankfully that one ended with me getting something for the pain and for reassuring me that I was ok and even though he didn't say it I think Roo was reassured as well. (He worries) So after getting the all clear I went back to work, with my heating pad in tow cause they said heat would help me. I was few questions regarding my absence and then I learned that I received a new schedule. Though I wasn't feeling up to being my normal happy self I managed to convince my customers that I was the sweetest thing #customerservice101 (yes, I really did that) My co-workers for the most part were understanding and left me alone for the bigger part of Thursday. Friday saw me we a little pain at least until the later half of the day when I learned that I may over do it just a bit from time to time. Of course when I made the small mention in passing to Roo he decided that I would be couch surfing for a little bit longer.
Now on to today. Though I still have some pain I got to spend some time with my Nanny, I haven't really gotten to do this since Pop passed. My schedule has been crazy and we've tried to keep busy. It was good though spending some time with her and catching up. Life is so precious people.I got to show her my new tattoo that I have on my shoulder which reads "From Pain Comes Strength" The reason for this tattoo, yes there is a reason for it I mean there is one for every tattoo that I have, this one is to remind me that the more pain I face the stronger I get.No I don't want to face pain but it doesn't mean that I wont. It's on my shoulder because that is where we carry the most burdens. We allow them to weigh us down, to pressure on our shoulders. I have been told several times that I am so strong.
I thank them when they say this but I know that I am not. I am not strong, I break just like everyone else but I refuse to let them see me break. I refuse to let them see the pain that I truly feel because to show that would mean that I am not capable of moving past. So I tend to let things go, I let them roll off me and Bless alot of hearts. And I remember that I am just me and I want to make everyone proud of me. I make mistakes and I may not be the person I always should be but I am pretty good at being me....So with that random run installment. Goodnight Peeps.